Victims of Oswald's plot (in order of appearance in the book)
- Alfonso XIII, King of Spain
- Pierre-Auguste Renoir, French painter
- Claude Monet, French painter
- Igor Stravinsky, Russian composer
- Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter. In fact, Uncle Oswald and his accomplice are unsuccessful here: Picasso pounces on the accomplice before she has a chance to use a condom to collect his semen.
- Henri Matisse, French artist
- Marcel Proust, French novelist
- Vaslav Nijinsky, Polish-born Russian ballet dancer and choreographer
- James Joyce, expatriate Irish writer and poet
- Giacomo Puccini, Italian operatic composer
- Sergei Rachmaninoff, Russian composer, conductor and pianist
- Sigmund Freud, Austrian neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis
- Albert Einstein, German-born theoretical physicist
- Thomas Mann, German novelist
- Joseph Conrad, Polish-born British novelist
- H. G. Wells, British writer
- Rudyard Kipling, Indian-born British author and poet
- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, British writer and creator of Sherlock Holmes
- George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright
- The King of Belgium
- The King of Italy
- Peter I of Serbia, King of Yugoslavia
- The King of Greece
- Boris III of Bulgaria, King of Bulgaria
- Ferdinand of Romania, King of Romania
- The King of Denmark
- The King of Sweden
