Chairman X : Chairman of the Horticulture Department who wants to save Old Meats; in an open relationship with Lady X, they have four children; becomes involved with Cecelia. He has left-wing political beliefs and hates Dr. Gift and Nils Harstad.
Bob Carlson : Sophomore work-study student who takes care of Earl Butz for Dr. Bo Jones; dates Diane, lives with Gary Olson and Lyle Kartensen.
Earl Butz : 18-month-old Landrace boar who is the subject of Dr. Bo Jones’ secret experiment to see how big a pig can grow; cared for by Bob Carlson. Name refers to Earl Butz, former secretary of agriculture who was responsible for the modern farm subsidy system.
Dr. Bo Jones : Animal Science professor conducting a secret experiment on Earl Butz; goes missing during one of his travels to find wild boars.
Lady (Beth) X : Lives with and has four children with Chairman X, but not married.
Cecelia Sanchez : First year assistant professor of foreign languages from Los Angeles who becomes involved with Chairman X.
Tim Monahan : Self-centered associate professor of English who teaches fiction writing and is being considered for promotion to full professor.
Keri : The“mother” figure of the four roommates in Dubuque House who grew up on a farm in Iowa.
Sherri : One of the four roommates in Dubuque House; struggles with her classes and weight issues.
Mary Jackson : One of the four roommates in Dubuque House who is from Chicago, Illinois.
Diane Peterson : One of the four roommates in Dubuque House; has a relationship with Bob Carlson and wants to be in a sorority.
Dr. Margaret Bell : English professor on the tenure and promotion committee who was involved with Tim Monahan.
Dr. Helen Levy : Professor of foreign languages, French and Italian, who is a member of the tenure and promotion committee; involved in discreet, long-term relationship with Ivar Harstad; loves cooking and gardening.
Governor O.T. Early : State governor who threatens numerous budget cuts to Moo University.
Associate Vice President Elaine Dobbs-Jellinek : Associate Vice President for Development; writes grants, tries to help Dr. Bo Jones save Old Meats.
Gary Olson : Student in Tim Monahan’s fiction writing class; lives with Bob Carlson and Lyle Kartensen.
Dr. Lionel Gift : Economics professor who is obsessed with money and writes a report in support of mining for gold in Costa Rica; chair of the tenure and promotion committee.
Provost Ivar Harstad : Twin brother of Nils Harstad who is in a long-term relationship with Helen Levy; his secretary is Mrs. Walker.
Dean Nils Harstad : Dean of extension; twin brother of Ivar Harstad who plans to marry Marly Hellmich, a woman from his church, and have six children; approached by Loren Stroop for funding of his invention.
“Father” Helmich : Marly Hellmich’s ultra conservative, Christian father who requires constant care.
Marly Helmich : Cafeteria worker who agrees to marry Nils Harstad, a man from her church.
Dr. Dean Jellinek : Animal Science professor who is researching calf-free lactation with grant funding; divorced from Elaine Dobbs-Jellinek and in a relationship with Joy Pfister.
Mrs. (Martha) Lake : Mrs. Walker’s partner
Lydia Henderson : Lyle Kartensen’s girlfriend; character in Gary Olson’s stories.
Lyle Kartensen : Roommates with Gary Olson and Bob Carlson; Lydia Henderson’s boyfriend.
Arlen Martin : Head of TransNational America Corporation, which is planning to mine gold in Costa Rica under the last virgin cloud forest.
Jack Parker : Federal grant specialist; Elaine Dobbs-Jellinek’s competition.
Joy Pfister : Trains horses and teaches an equine class; in a relationship with Dr. Dean Jellinek.
Loren Stroop : A paranoid farmer who has invented a farming machine and wears a bulletproof vest all the time.
Alison Thomas : Elaine Dobbs-Jellinek’s secretary.
Mrs. (Loraine) Walker : Ivar Harstad’s secretary who wields great informal power within the university and continually transfers funds between budgets without approval.
Associate Vice President Bob Brown (“Just Plain Brown”) : Assistant to the university president; refers to students as customers.
Dr. William Garcia : Member of the tenure and promotion committee from the Psychology department; close friend to Chairman X.
Dr. John Vernon Cates : Member of the tenure and promotion committee from the Chemistry department.
Joe Miller : Loren Stroop’s neighbor.
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